When I was a kid, there was an infamous kidnapping that happened not too far from where I grew up in Utah. It was the gripping story of Elizabeth Smart. The kidnapping that quickly spread like wildfire throughout the nation. It was a nine month long search which resulted in an absolute miracle. The young 14 year old girl was found alive, no doubt traumatized and no longer the same girl that she had been just the year previous. After the shocking event, there was a documentary that was produced that told the full dramatized story of how the terrifying abduction took place.
I was 10 years old when I walked into a room where the documentary was being watched with captivation, just in time for my young mind to witness the kidnapper Brian David Mitchell cut a hole out of Elizabeth’s bedroom window screen, and in the blink of an eye, she was gone. It was too easy. I remember the distinct feeling of being filled with absolute fear. That night I couldn’t sleep. I slept by myself in the basement, and my window was ground level on the south side of our yard. My vivid imagination was replaying that scene over and over again in my head, and I was dangerously being pulled into the heinous possibilities of what he could do to me. I convinced myself that a scary man was gonna come cut a hole in my screen while I was sleeping and quietly slip away with me in his grasp, perhaps never ever to be heard of again. For three nights I couldn’t sleep, and one of the nights my dad had to stay in my room until I fell asleep. It was one of the first moments as a more matured kid that I could remember experiencing the emotional feeling of separation.
When I was 12, my best friends dad was killed in an avalanche. We had grown up together since we were babies and we did everything together. We lived on the same street, and he was there at my side at every pirate birthday party. His dad was like our families second dad. Most amazing man ever. When he passed away suddenly, my best friend and I drifted apart. He found a new group of friends, and things seemed to never be the same again. I can’t even fathom the pain and anguish he was coping with in an attempt to stay strong. My young mind once again had no clue how to process the loss. The separation. The fear. Losing both my best friend and a man I had looked up to my whole life.
When I was 16 my cousin Paige was killed in a car accident at the tender age of 5. She was a ball of light if I’ve ever seen one. It was earth shattering. When she would come over and we would run around the house wild and play whatever game she conjured up in her mind, she would call me her “prince” because obviously she was the princess. Again, I can’t fathom the pain as I watched her family deal with that loss, feeling completely helpless and not knowing how to process the situation. Not knowing how to be there for them and how to hold space. Not knowing how to be there for myself. Loss. Fear. Separation. Grief. Loneliness.
When I was 20, I was sitting on a rickety old bus at the window seat. I was living on an island in the Caribbean called Guadeloupe. There was an altercation that broke out at the bus stop right next to my window. I don’t know the details of the argument, but it became heated quickly. Guadeloupe is know for the sugar cane they produce in mass quantities all over the island, so a lot of field laborers had machetes on them to cut the sugar cane stalks. As emotions escalated, I stared in helpless shock as the man raised the machete and viciously hacked the other man down. Dead. The bus pulled away as I squeamishly looked back at the man lying in a pool of blood on the concrete sidewalk. My mind didn’t know how to process it, so I never spoke of it.
Many years later I was on an Amtrak train rolling through the hills of California during my experience of living with the homeless for 50 days. As we were coming to the last leg of our journey, I watched in slow motion as an older man ran onto the tracks in an attempt to take his own life. Unfortunately, he stood no chance against the high speed locomotive and he was successful in his attempt. What quickly followed was a scene of pure chaos from the inside of the train as the conductor went into shock and we slowly rolled the train to a halt, attempting to piece together what we just witnessed as the remnants of his body remained sprawled across the tracks.
The years that followed seemed to mirror similar patterns of loss, many more deaths, separation and the ultimate climax being the loss of my own identity following a painful divorce that absolutely rocked my world. It would finally be the event that triggered the deluge of a lifetime of suppressed experiences that I witnessed, but didn’t fully know how to process. The ultimate challenge and loss that we all go through at one point or another in our lives is the death of who we think we are, in order to clear space for the rebirth of who we were meant to be. This post is about becoming unbreakable. It is about how to deal with the inevitable losses in life that come our way, the chaos that surrounds us, and the 1,000 deaths that we will experience in this lifetime as we are born anew. My entire life I have been generously shown the potency of separation and loss so that I could more fully understand the infinite power of connection. I truly believe that that is why we are here, and I believe that connection is the overarching collective purpose of humanity. To become one again.
“The one became two, simply for the joy of becoming one again.”
These few experiences I have shared are incredibly minute compared to the horrific trauma that exists in the world today. The heinous and grievous acts of abuse and violence are unbearable. The first seven years of a child’s life is absolutely essential to one’s development, with an extra critical emphasis on the first two months of a newborns life. More often than not, for much of the world the first seven years is less than ideal. Their environment is more dangerous than safe, and their upbringing more negligent than loving. We then step into our adult lives into an often unforgiving world not knowing why we have certain behaviors, addictions and challenges which are all compensations for the infertile soil we might have been nourished in. This is where we have to begin to parent our inner child in order to fully heal and break those loops, cycles and patterns.
In the upcoming weeks, I will be releasing a YouTube Series called “Becoming Unbreakable.” Throughout the series I will be covering multiple topics that I believe create the secure foundation you need to weather the storms of life. The skills you need to bounce back from any trial you go through. When I think back to that 10 year old boy that was petrified of being separated from his home, I wish I could have been there to guide him through that experience and to show him how to turn that fear into love. How to regulate his nervous system and calm his body. How to navigate his mind and recreate the narratives in his head. How to analyze the beliefs and the meaning he attached to the things he witnessed. Ultimately, I wish I could have shown my 10 year old self that no matter what life throws at you, you can choose to become unbreakable. You can choose to not let the storms of life defeat you and beat you down. You can choose to grow through what you go through.
For me, becoming unbreakable is split into three sub-themes. Becoming Adaptable, Formidable and Incorruptible. I won’t be going into detail on the sub-themes in this blog post, but I will be covering them in depth in the video series. In our western society and culture, I believe we have become deeply disconnected from ourselves. From Who We Really Are. Social media, although powerful with the right intentions, has amplified this issue further by blurring and hiding the need to completely individuate. It’s a constant echo chamber of comparison. Stack all of this on top of the unavoidable childhood trauma that we are born into, and you have a recipe for a civilization that is extremely abundant and thriving on the outside, but is quickly deteriorating and becoming more confused and lost on the inside. For most people, we no longer know how to bridge the gap between our inner and outer worlds. And for many people reading this, they won’t even have any clue what I am referring to when I say “inner world”. Case in point.
When we become disconnected from ourselves, we become extremely vulnerable. In the words of psychologist Dr. Nathan Brandon, he states:
“The process of individuation is considered essential to the development of a healthy identity and the formation of healthy relationships with others. A person who does not adequately individuate may lack a clear sense of self and feel uncomfortable pursuing goals. Feelings of depression and anxiety may result. Difficulty individuating may also lead to increased dependence on others, challenges in romantic or professional relationships, poor decision-making skills, and a general sense of not knowing who one is or what one wants from life… By learning to listen and following your inner voice, you will be able to direct your journey toward a unique and self-actualized life. If you don’t follow group consciousness, but rather your own destiny, you will be able to unlock your true potential and discover, at last, a sense of personal wholeness.”
My theory is that ultimately depression and anxiety are an expressed symptom of our disconnection from ourselves. It is a loss or lack of individuation. Relationship issues, addiction, lack of self-worth — these are all symptoms of not being grounded and centered in ourselves. Not knowing the value that we have to offer to the world. In the upcoming video series I will be going over several different tools, methods, practices and lifestyle changes that I believe are extremely vital and helpful to the process of connecting back to yourself. If there is one thing I have become exceptionally good at, it is believing in myself when the world doesn’t. When we connect back to our true Self, we are no longer a stranger to ourselves. At that point, we establish safety. Safety is the prerequisite to connection, love and belonging. The result is becoming whole and healed. Some of the points that we will go over include but are not limited to:
Habits + Rituals
Energy Dynamics
Creative Expression
Feelings vs Emotions
Health + Wellness
Finding Your Center
The 5 pillars
Relationships
Shifting Perspective
The Mind Garden
Gifts in the Shadows
Sacred Silence
I have gone over a lot of these in Season I of my podcast Conscious Rebel, but we barely scratched the surface. Times have changed. If you really get quiet and put your phone away, you will be able to sense it. Things are rapidly changing. Whether good or bad, that is totally up to you to determine. Regardless, rapid change is inevitable. The old society, institutions and forms of control are slowly dying in order to give birth to something more efficient, loving and beautiful. However, the death and rebirth process is not always smooth sailing, just as the mother birthing a new child is not a painless process or without unforeseen complications. In the end, it is all worth it. It is beautiful. But now is the time to prepare ourselves for those exciting changes ahead.
Now is the time to do the inner work so that as our world shifts, you can be a leader for those that don’t handle change quite as well, just as my younger self didn’t know how to deal with the things that life threw at him. Change is simply transformation. Transformation is death. Death is rebirth. Now is the time to step up, to prioritize our health and wellbeing, and to start building formidable relationships with ourselves and with others. Now is the time to learn how to become adaptable (which I will go over in depth). Now is the time to really know and solidify what we stand for, what our beliefs and values are and what we want to contribute to the collective so that we may become incorruptible. Now is the time to start training our body, mind and soul to become UNBREAKABLE.